I’m scared, honey.

ee1cd7c73b22e6d8d2ff206ac2f846d9

I still believe.

In the recesses of my heart, there is no doubt.

In my mind, I do not question it anymore.

It is a reality, and I am in acceptance.

However, it is here that I cleave.

To pursue dreams that were long before you were sought.

To become the person I always was at my core.

How these paths may converge, I can only sense.

Against destiny, I have no defense.

Impressive Failure

I was reading an account by Joe Jonas on his life as a Jonas Brother yesterday. I used to be quite a fan of the band back in school. Their songs Lovebug, Burnin’ Up, Fly With Me, and When you look me in the eyes, were forever on loop in the background when I was around the house. It was around the time that my dad bought me my first portable mp3 player, and I think it had a folder full of their hits. Reading the story was eye-opening. Their PR machinery at the time made everything looked fortunately fateful – Nick was singing at the barber’s, got signed, and the brothers looked good, sang well, they all got signed. Some of the parts like when they were teenagers and opening at clubs for The Veronicas was heartbreaking to read – I can’t image being that young and having to deal with such a huge rejection with so many adults guiding you, and so much riding on your career, especially after they were rather tragically alienated by their church peeps. That must have made the brothers rather guarded and unsettled about how circumstances and people were. But damn, their work ethic really stood out in the story for me. The pressure to keep smiling and look like they are enjoying all the attention, all the time! But they kept it going for years, as teenagers and young adults, and that’s something.

I embrace failure. It scares me, and the slightest hint of impending rejection makes me wonder if I’m going to be friendless, defenceless, homeless, loveless. But then I remind myself that it couldn’t get worse. I have my mind, and I have curiosity, and I have the agility to adapt. I can learn, and I can make friends. I can have new conversations, and I can express. I can calm my nerves and I can calm others’. I can relax and unwind, and I can work harder and smarter than everybody in the room when I have to, and I often do. I have carried myself through the toughest of times thus far, I have fought my demons with the army that I could muster, and I have survived. I am fine. I’m alright. Failure is humiliating in the moment, but it is important to pick yourself up and move on, learning from it, adapting, and strategizing for the future. Failure is a lesson, and I love lessons because I learn from them. Failure is an option, because without being open to it, there’s no experiments, and without experiments you don’t have a single shot.

The show must go on, and I have a future hurtling at me at the speed of life!

Unspoken Truths

I’m going to close my eyes and allow myself to think of you. To think of us- sitting side by side, engaging in harmless banter, taking it by the day. I’m allowing myself to think of what you mean to me. I don’t know where I pulled this phrase out of, but it has stayed with me- to me, the sound of your voice has come to become my anchor and stay. With these within my reach, I can adjust these sails to the wind and be on my way.

I have heard many speak, and sell me their truths, but, for some reason, when I listen to my heart, it brings me back to you.

There are days when I wonder what you would say- there’s a part of me that already knows, but these whispers can’t be half as convincing as you. I yearn to, once again, hear you speak with conviction, the way you do. I need to be told, once again, that all that I have constructed in my head, is but an extensive mirage. These images that play with, they have me trapped, and I would like me some liberation. Speak out loud that which will counteract these demons in my head- tell me about the world in a way that I fear to let myself believe. I am listening with bated breath… this is not hesitation, I am listening.

When I met you, there was no yesterday and I hardly had a thought to spare for tomorrow. When it came to having to go my own way, the distance hardly worried me. I had neither your coordinates, nor your digits, nothing but my dreams to lead me. And when we found our way back to facing each other, it felt like we had never been apart. But the fact of the matter was that we had. Time had worn itself thin on your shoulders, and there were cracks on your usually unruffled, velvet surface. I had had premonitions of them, but to what good did they amount when I had not reached out. I reasoned- what could I have said? How could I have explained what I had known? I’m not past this struggle; but tonight, it is making me weary. I cannot communicate that which is eternal in this fleeting moments measured by time. I am groping, and these thoughts need to be given structure through your words – please. Tell me what it is that I’m thinking, and what it is that I’m running away from. Bring out the secrets that I can’t even tell myself in the solace of solitude. I am desperate to hear them, I’m ready. Is this deliverance?

I have wandered through many a soul, asking questions, probing to hear what they have to say. Alas, they are lying to themselves, and so they are lying to me anyway. Lies, these my heart can cook up on its own. Truths, the fuel to the fire of my burning soul, they are hidden and mostly unspoke.