I’m struggling.

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I took a nap today afternoon. And I had a dream that struck me quite significantly. I was on a plane with my grandparents. The plane crash lands and a lot of its passengers slip into the water, including us. For a split second I find myself wanting to just float and relax before having to get into something of a ‘fight-or-flight’ mode. Then I realize that my grandparents couldn’t swim, and I spot them at a short distance. I swim frantically towards my grandmother first, thinking that her lungs were weak from the cancer and she would be in more desperate need for air. I manage to help her up, and somebody else helps me by taking her ashore. I find my grandfather, and I pull his head above water, and assisting him on the back of my shoulder, I take him ashore. I woke up after that, and for a moment there I wanted to call up my grandparents and chat them up about things. Then for a single unreal moment, I stood there, and thought back to last year when my grandmother passed away. In fact, it was exactly a year ago plus another two days, when I flew along with my grandparents for their annual vacation.

I have to admit, I’m struggling to juggle all these thoughts in my head. All of these emotions swirling in my psyche, barely keeping afloat… a lot like last year around this season actually. But there is a difference. This time, I don’t want to give in and just let it be. This time I want to make the effort, go the extra mile, and take control of situations that are within my control.

That’s what is going to make this time different. I know it.

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