It’s worth it. It’s worth naught.

Nobody told me what intimacy or commitment was. They were words to me, that had meaning in the physical or legal realms. Nobody told me what it meant to feel them. Perhaps, not many need to be taught so explicitly… some of us do.

This time around, I can’t say that realization hit me smack on my nose. It didn’t. It is dawning on me, painfully, one day hour at a time, that commitment is like a daily prayer- a chant, a mantra – that is not supposed to be effective until you have repeated it a certain number of times. You tell yourself each day that no matter what, you will remind yourself of that one special detail because of which you got yourself into what looks like a mess right now. You hold onto the hope that you will find it in yourself to work your way out of it, and inspire the other to chip in as well. You won’t run away, regardless of how hard things get, and believe me, things eventually get hard. Some things make it easier

I have to admit, I am afraid. I am scared as hell. What do you mean I have to sign up for something that comes with that sort of fine print? How can I put my all- my emotions, my sense of sanity, on the line? There sure is a pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow, but some tell me it is mythical? Some say that the rainbow is marshy, and that it is pure quicksand? I think that’s enough to put any self-aware adult on their guard- no? No, let’s rebel. Let’s walk to the beats of our own drummer, whispers one of my particularly strong subpersonalities. But… I feel all these traditional emotions, everything about the conventions seem to ring a bell!

Tell you what, let’s give this a shot. Adventures are rarely pursued for the sake reward. Right?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s