A couple of years ago, someone spoke to me about the beauty of stability, of things working out, of a smooth-sailing life, and absence of conflict. Living in harmony is a shared dream, he seemed to suggest. We had our differences in opinion- he seemed to have decided that these were just dreams, and one must settle for less, perhaps just a silver lining. I, on the other hand, have been bred a fighter. I prefer to take life by its horns, with the hope to discover it to be a unicorn. : ) But this isn’t about them, it is about me. For as long as I could remember, conflict was my only constant confidante, and I never stepped down from a fight. Sure, over time, I lost my cool less oftener, and appreciate that sometimes throwing in one’s towel, walking away and revisiting the battlefield later is a better idea, but I’m at home with fighting for what I believe is mine.
Subsequently, I took off for one last grand rampage of impulsiveness, without a care for consequence. I lived in the ‘now’, sure. But with little intent, and in hedonistic pursuit. It was necessary, and I don’t have regrets. I learned plenty from it, and returned to live in civilization with much greater resolve to live ambitiously. I dug in my heels, and let everybody know of my decision. If needed, I begged people to let me be loyal to them.
But… katabasis is metamorphosis. I intend to be loyal to myself first, to honour my feelings, state my needs, while showing care and affection- never requiring the same displays in return. The purpose of my life is not to discontinue or do away with what comes to me naturally. It is to plug round pegs into round holes, and find where the square ones could fit. Else, drill those damn square holes myself- God knows there’s enough space for me to be me.
Darling, let’s never lose the lessons we’ve learnt.